Saturday, May 26, 2012

Letting Go

We are well into day 2 of the weekend visit where Carole and David have come for Niles and Jenn's wedding. I look around my house and there was so much I wanted, back in February, to get done, but which didn't.

I can do that easily to myself. Dust this. Paint that. Wash this. Sort that. Some of the dusting got done. I did dust the lintels over the doors and removed long empty cobwebs, now festooned with dust, from corners, most of the corners, anyway. I got the deck painted and the bathroom washed. There is still a pile to my right which has not been sorted.

I realized about 2 weeks ago, that the task I had given myself to be "ready" for their visit was way over what I could reasonably hope to accomplish. Having acknowledged that x and x and x weren't going to get done, I went into something of a funk. I just don't have the prolonged energy to be on my knees, on a ladder or on top of all the things that "ready" implied, at least in my mind. I had failed.

But whom had I failed? The kids are fine with the house. They helped do a couple things I don't have the physical strength to do and, in the process, we dusted. Big deal. The only person really unhappy with what didn't get done was me and I know that voice. I've been dealing with her for years.

In the end, I had to let go of the "I need to do x before they arrive" and embrace the "I can get x done before they arrive".  It's not about failure but about what I, realistically, could accomplish. Some things, like washing the exterior of all the windows, I'd love to get done. Some windows, like the living room ones, are rather dirty on the outside. Some things, like washing the bathroom, are necessities and had to be done, although I had to do it in stages. The days are gone when I can spend 2 hours without a break, cleaning the bathroom top to bottom. Now, it takes 2 hours over a couple of days, but it gets done. Washing the windows is going to take more than I'm capable of, at this time.

So, the key is to get done what is necessary and make sure that voice understands I'm doing all I can. I may never be able to silence it but letting go of "I need" and embracing "I want" helps tremendously.

Beverage:  African Rooibos tea


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