Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm confused.

I logged onto the computer on New Year's Day. It was 9:30 in the morning. I wandered off in search of oatmeal and hot tea. Firefox and then Yahoo booted up and I opened my email to delete the plethora of "50% off sale NOW!" emails I knew were waiting from those online stores with which I do business. There was an offline message.

This is not unusual of itself because I have cyber friends all over the world. While I look at "real" time as Central because it's where I've spent 90% of my life, other people are ahead or behind me in time zones. Friends know that sending me a Yahoo Messenger message when I'm not online will result in me seeing it right away when I do log on.

What was unusual was who this was from.

I have not talked to him in almost a year. When we parted company, it was not without some rather pointed comments. It took me 6 months to finally erase all his contact information from everywhere; phone numbers, Internet address, instant message address (there were several of each) and, ultimately, home address. But erase it I did, although it did nothing to erase the huge, huge wish that things had turned out differently.

I can go weeks without thinking about him and then have days strung together where he's always there. Writing about the first anniversary of his visit helped a great deal in putting the restless memories to bed. I was able to let go of some parts of the fantasy and accept the more concrete reality of never speaking again and never wanting to speak again.

But here was an Instant Message with the robotic request from Yahoo Messenger to allow it to add me as a friend to his friend's list.

I sat there, I'm not kidding, a good 10-15 minutes with the mouse hovering over the "Accept" button, while I wrestled with demons that blasted out of the inner closet where I had shoved them. Do I or don't I? The big problem is the knowledge that I will be sucked back into something I worked so hard to be rid of. He could not/would not commit to our relationship for various reasons and it makes no difference if he was around the block, the state or the world. The inability or unwillingness to find a common ground between what he was giving me and what I wanted split us apart. He's not a bad person. On the contrary, what made this exceptionally hard was the goodness, kindness, caring and concern I saw and experienced first hand in him. But I won't be excluded if you want a relationship, whether that exclusion is accidental or on purpose. And that's where the impasse lay.

I finally clicked "Accept" and the program informed me that he would be told of my acceptance. That's where it stands. There has been no further communication, real or via a program, since. I accepted because my curiosity about why overcame my reluctance to start anything, even a mild friendship, up again. There is/was so much I don't know, so much that was left unsaid. I wanted to find out if I could get answers, get the information I desire, even if it meant there was nothing between us anymore and we would, finally, go our own ways and I would wrestle no more memories.

A friend has suggested this was a new girlfriend's way of getting back at him. I don't buy that because why still maintain my contact information and, more importantly, letting a current girlfriend have what would amount to unlimited access to your computer? He, more or less, walked away from me and, in doing that, I would think keeping my contact information is the last thing he would do.

Another friend has a different take. It is her considered opinion that this is "New Year's Remorse", as she calls it. He was, perhaps, alone and drunk and looking over the debris of the past year. Perhaps he felt a twinge of sadness for how things ended. Perhaps he just wishes to not have there be anger. There were other, less charitable and more morbid suggestions for why contact was made, but I tend to think well of people until proven wrong. In any case, she tells me not to expect additional contact.

And this leads to my confusion. I can't contact him. I don't have his email anymore. I did a very, very thorough job of erasing it from my planner. I remember bits and pieces of it and yes, yes, I know once you have an email, it's impossible to not be found. But I don't want to do the deep work it would take me to find this. I don't want to look on Facebook and try to friend him knowing that he probably isn't going to reciprocate. Mercifully, Facebook doesn't tell you your friend request has been denied. I just want to know why, after these long months, did this show up in my instant messenger, at the start of a new year.

This is one question that is probably not likely to be answered. I guess, in my heart, I know whatever this was was a mistake and there is not to be further contact. Gradually, I'll let this go as I have let other things go. But the answer to the question you're wanting to ask but not sure quite how is, yes, if I got what I was seeking, yes.

Beverage: water


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