Step 1: Conquering the fear

I have done everything I can on my end. I've gone through my checkbook and had 2 other people look at it. Both say that there isn't anything the matter with my math. They have questioned some entries but it goes back to the question that needs to be answered, "Where has my money gone?" When I account for everything and the bank still says I'm short, there is some disconnect.

Today, I'm going there to tell them to explain it to me, to find where it went wrong and to fix it.

My financial advisor has been nothing but upbeat. We are even using this time to assess my total picture and he's made, what I feel, are very good recommendations. I've had friends, and you know who you are so I won't list you, who have, totally unbidden, called or emailed with help to get me through this pot hole.

The biggest challenge for me is to not play the blame game with myself. My friends will testify that I can get so down on myself which produces a huge self-defeating attitude. It's my fault this happened. I'm really stupid when it comes to finances and managing money. And so on and so forth. I've been told to go into the bank this afternoon with the idea that there's a simple mistake and we just have to find it. The biggest urgency is that I get paid tomorrow and have, currently, no access to any accounts. Hence, this needs to be resolved or, until it gets resolved, I need to have access to some funds on which to live.

But, I thought, rather than focus on the bad, which is so very easy for me to do, I'd focus on some good. Maybe in typing what I'm grateful for, I can feel better, that life is not a fall into darkness, but a rise into light.

I am grateful for:
1) My friends who have counseled me through this mess. Listening ears and offers of help show me I'm not alone even when I feel I am.
2) Healthy cats. Mija sitting in my lap last night, looking up and me and purring. Pilchard, this morning, while I'm eating my Cheerios, demanding my free hand give ear scratches.
3) Minor prescience on my part to buy enough groceries to last for 6 weeks so I am not currently out of food.
4) Laughter, although I certainly could use a whole lot more of it.
5) Chocolate
6) Fall. I stood on the deck last night when I got home and breathed deeply that uniquely scented air.
7) Iowa football. I have something to look forward to this weekend as Iowa plays Indiana.
8) A job. This would be a whole lot worse if I didn't have a job to go to even if we have little to nothing to do at the moment.

I've been cleared to leave early today to deal with this. My feelings on religion have me torn between thinking this will go okay with a wee bit of prayer and feeling that God doesn't take and hasn't taken an active roll in my life for some time now so asking simply for the fortitude to get through this is a waste of time. I just need to be calm and tell them we have to get this fixed now, that I get paid tomorrow and I need access to some funds even if it's just a couple hundred dollars to get through a week and pay the immediate bills. That's all I need. Strength.

Beverage: Assam Tea

Deb