Words

Every year since 1980, I have purchased the "365 Word-a-day Calendar". Some words, when I rip off the new day, I know. Some I'll never add to my vocabulary and some have found their way into my lingo. Some words have special meaning. I saved them. I found three when I was cleaning in the basement in preparation for a new washer.

Thankfully, I wrote on the page what happened so, when I cleaned years in the future, I could remember exactly why I saved that word from that date.

This was the last day Carole lived in Wheaton. Since this date, she's lived in Connecticut before moving to her current, and final, home in Virginia. We didn't have any kind of religious ceremony, but I do remember crying while sitting on the front steps watching her drive away knowing that this was a necessary part of raising a child. You give them wings and trust they paid attention to some of your instructions on how to use them.

Here are two more which also elicited tears. This word seemed particularly poignant on this date.

Penney was a gray cat we adopted in 1992, I believe. Kidney disease made her waste away and I finally couldn't stand watching her try to walk to the bathroom to get a drink of water. Pam drove me to the emergency vet my vet recommended and I said, "Goodbye". Even though it's one of the kindest things you can do when a beloved pet is suffering, it's still a heartbreak. That day, the world went haywire.

Finally, there is this word.

2007 didn't start out very positive.

Anne was my English pen-pal. We had known each other 35 years at this point. We were the best of friends and confidants. We went through first crushes, high school, college, engagements and marriages. My ex-husband and I flew to England in 1982, while I was pregnant, to attend Anne's wedding. We had children within a month of each other. She had twin girls. We went back in 1996 so our children could meet. She was with me when my marriage crumbled and when Carole and I were on our own. We went through the raising of children and their lives.

Then liver cancer struck. She was diagnosed in 2004 but seemed to have it beaten to the point that, in April of 2005, I met Anne, her husband, Graham, and son, James, at Walt Disney World for a week of fun. She looked so healthy. We had a fantastic time.

But the cancer returned in early 2006. She never told me how bad it was. Her Christmas letter was filled with news about the family. We always talked at New Year's. She would call me at the stroke of midnight and hold up the phone to the TV so I could hear Big Ben ringing in the new year from England. She did the same thing as 2006 turned to 2007. She never told me she had been in bed since 5 that evening and had to be helped up to call me at midnight. She wrote a short, one-page letter, "from the couch in the living room, by the fire" as they called the gas furnace, in early January. I never heard from her again.

One of her daughters called me the above evening to tell me she had passed in her sleep. Her husband, Graham, had contacted me at the end of January, after receiving my reply to her early January letter. He realized she had not told me, in an effort to spare me worrying, how sick she was and that hospice had been arranged. They were just waiting. I have to admit that every phone call from January 28th onward brought dread. In a way, it was kind of a relief knowing she was not suffering and not trying to keep the British "stiff upper lip" anymore. Graham said he never told her that I knew what was going on.

I looked at these words as I paged through a stack of papers, invitations, mementos which were on a shelf. At the time, it was important to save these. Now, I have reached the point where I can let them go and be, simply, words of the day. I don't save words that have a special event occurring on that date anymore. I unconsciously decided they were just words. I miss Carole. I miss Penney. I miss Anne. Time has moved on but the memories stay with me in my heart where they belong.

Beverage:  Dunkin' Donuts tea

Deb

Friendship Means

"Bring all your laundry with you when you come," Patt emailed.

My response? "What?" I swear the lady is crazy. Bring ALL my laundry?

"Yes, bring all the sheets, blankets, rugs, clothing you have to wash. Bring it all when you come visit. We can hang it out on my lines or, if the weather is bad, dry it in my dryer."

I thought that was a huge, huge imposition upon a friend, even one I've known for 27 years. But Patt was insistent. I wasn't going to bring my laundry. Nevermind that my washer is dying and will need to be replaced soon. I can do small loads and it will all get done, eventually. Nope. Nope. Patt kindly ordered me to bring all of it. I hesitated until my friend, Pam, said, "That is a wonderful offer. Such a kind friend." She remembered having friends offer the use of their washers when she was a brand new military wife living in the "wonderful" military married housing. It's funny, but Pam's indirect blessing caused me to stuff my laundry into garbage bags and haul it to Minnesota.

Everything went; all the bedding, all the blankets, all the rugs, all the pants and shirts, all of it. We washed it. We dried it. I should have taken a photo of Patt's lint trap after drying some of the rugs in the dryer. They had been out on the line but it rained so we used the dryer. I have a black cat. She sheds. I'm pretty sure half a cat was stuck to the lint trap. We pulled towels out of the washer and all these little pills of black fur fell out. We had a great laugh.

Patt's purpose in asking for my laundry was to ease the going up and down of the basement stairs. If everything was done, if I didn't have to go up and down the stairs every day, that would help with my sciatica and my RA. I came home and put it all away. It was such a great feeling to know I was caught up on my laundry.

It wasn't quite enough to make it through the month, so I have done a couple small loads. Then the rains came. I got close to 3 1/2 inches and that amount of water will cause seepage in some places between the wall and the floor of the basement. When I went to bed, there was nothing on the floor. In the morning, there was water. A pile of pants and a pile of shirts was soaked. Hearing this, Pam immediately offered her washer and dryer so I could do both loads and not in little batches. Plus, with the basement drying out, any wash hung on my lines is doing to take twice as long.

I figure there will be sales over the July 4th holiday. What better way to celebrate our nation's independence than by having appliances go on sale. I'll be ready. I don't know if I can stretch the clean clothes without using my washer a couple more times. I'm going to try. Pam said, if it gets to the end of the month and I'm really low on clothes, just let her know.

This is friendship. "Bring all your laundry with you when you come."

Beverage:  Raspberry seltzer water

Deb

27 Years and Counting

I've seen a lot of articles, particularly today, as it's Best Friends Day, about making and keeping friends. There are any number of studies about how having friends lengthens and enriches one's life.

It can be hard to make friends, particularly as you age. You find, that as you go through life, the circles of people you wander into and out of are not all your same age. When everyone in group chat in my World of Warcraft guild is young enough to be my child, it's tough to relate to them as friends. The first time someone asked me if I remembered seeing news footage of Vietnam on TV, I was kind of taken aback. I do remember that. They only knew it from history books or the movies. So, when you find someone who is a friend, you hang onto them.

We "met", her and I, because I was editing a railroad historical publication and she wrote an article about how the town she was living in at the time, preserved and reused their railroad depot, long after the railroad ceased running through town. I enjoyed reading something written by a woman who obviously knew her way around the English language. I was used to men picking up a piece of paper and writing anything down that came to their mind, then getting roasted because I put the memories into some semblance of order and they felt affronted someone would dare to edit them. She had a couple of boys in school. I had a daughter. Our first letters, after publication of the article, were about language. She worked in a newspaper. I did freelance proofreading and was a room mom. That was twenty-seven years ago.

You know a friend is going to be a friend when something just clicks. We've been through weddings, births and deaths. We've been through divorces and adoptions and moving and job changes. We went through the rise of computer correspondence. When we started writing, we either wrote our letters long-hand or typed them on a typewriter. The computer made it easier to write letters, although I really need to replace my printer so I'm not printing my letters at work. We still send each other long letters detailing the ups and downs of life.

The funny thing is, we had never met. We were pen pals of the best sort. We lived "close", in that it didn't take an airplane ride to get to each other. Her husband had a sister who lived in Gary, Indiana, until she passed away a couple years ago. They couldn't stop on the way to or from the funeral. It was the closest to each other we had ever been. Three years ago, I was going to drive to her current home in Faribault, Minnesota, but finances, at the last minute, didn't permit it. It was always in the back of my mind that I had to get out there, I just had to.

Finally, over Memorial Day, I made it. Heavy rains could not stop me. I saved for this event and I drove to Faribault. Finally, I met Patt.

It wasn't like meeting someone new. We sat on the porch, in the 3 season room I'd heard so much about, and talked and talked, just like we did in our letters. We know everything about each other. We know our dreams. We know our hopes for our kids and for ourselves. She is the warm, wonderful woman I know from 27 years of letters. I don't always sleep real well the first night in a different bed than my own but I slept soundly all three nights I was there. It was a real sleep of peace.

I got the tour of Faribault and Northfield. Patt made wonderful suppers and I saw "Frozen" for the first time. We also watched "Still Alice" and "Saving Mr. Banks". We talked. I did cross-stitching. I had one of the most peaceful vacations I've had in awhile. We didn't have an agenda. We didn't need one. It was two friends, who have known each other going on 3 decades, just being in each other's presence. Three decades. That's a very long time.

Sometimes there are days when I wish I had more friends close to my age close to my house. I tend to be a private person and it can be hard to open up to the extent that allows a friendship to form. When you do that, you risk rejection and, let's face it, being rejected for who you are or aren't is painful. Then I realize I have someone in my life who knows me and likes me, warts and all. We didn't need to meet. We'd still be friends even if I hadn't come up to see her. But my life is so much more enriched having spent time with Patt.

I hope, when you're my age, you, too have someone who has been there for 27 years and counting. Here's to 27+ more.

Beverage:  Dr Pepper

Deb

Episode 1: A New Beginning

I've not made a formal announcement on my blog about my daughter's status, but, as 2015 opens, it's time to publicly acknowledge what I've hinted at for some time.

Back in May of 2011, my mother and I headed to Virginia for a blessing ceremony. Originally, it was going to be the official wedding date, but Carole and David married in a justice-of-the-peace ceremony to take advantage of military benefits, as he was in the Navy at the time. The ceremony in May was the wedding aspect of the union. It was a fun event and had all the trappings of "happily ever after". Alas that was not to be.

I don't know the full extent of the problems and there are always two sides to every story, but when your child calls you on January 3, 2013 and says her husband has told her he hates her, never loved her and she needs to take her "damned cat" and leave their house, it's hard not to want to reach through the phone lines and strangle the offender. I provided what support I could and watched, helplessly, as her world imploded.

You never want your child in pain and emotional pain is the worst. The old saw,"Sticks and stone may break my bones, but names shall never hurt me" is a bold faced lie. How many of us, when asked, can recall a verbal slight from years, decades ago? Those words still hurt, still sting. When they come from someone who you swore to love forever, the pain goes very, very deep. I really do hope I never, ever cross paths with this person. I refuse to acknowledge his existence for what he did to my daughter. He has issues which need years of therapy to fix.

But, by Memorial Day of 2013, she was on the mend. She had a job and an apartment and 80% of her stuff. (He conveniently 'forgot' to give her some things which were stated in their separation agreement.) More importantly, she was dating again. She'd met this guy, Larry Oliver, at a card store where she and David played Magic: The Gathering, a card game. He was only a friend until he got up the nerve to ask if she'd like to go to the card store's event for Star Wars day, Saturday, May 4th, 2013. By Memorial Day, they had decided to see where their relationship would go. She was so happy when she called me.

I have to admit that, at first, I wanted her to wait until her divorce was final, but I came to see, as she suffered through a bad job and then tried to find a new one when her doctor ordered her out of the first job, this new guy was someone quite different from her ex. He seemed genuinely concerned about her welfare. He lived in Warrenton and would, on weekends, drive down to Richmond, to help her deal with her health issues due to the stress of the job. When her doctor ordered her out of the job, he let her stay with him over July 4th weekend so she could destress and be a part of a holiday party with friends.

By fall of 2013, they were making plans for post-Richmond. Her apartment lease was up in April 2014 and they were going to move in together. They vacationed at Walt Disney World in November of 2013. Carole's cat, Faux, went to stay at Larry's house, to be cared for by Larry's parents during the vacation, and never went back to the apartment. Larry cared for Faux as if he was his cat. Faux adores Larry. He tolerated, but never loved, David. Cats know.

I went to visit them twice last year, once over Memorial Day, and then at the end of October. By Memorial Day, they were talking wedding, once the divorce was final. That was a huge sticking point. They couldn't move on with their lives because of snafus with the divorce. It finally came around Labor Day. Larry proposed at the end of September. They will be married in March at the Farquair Springs Country Club.

They are incredibly organized and Larry, unlike David, is taking an active role in the planning of this wedding. Carole is getting the wedding she initially wanted but had to compromise completely on the first time around. Larry's a huge Star Wars fan and elements from Star Wars are woven into the wedding. There will be music from the movies and a themed cake.

What do I think? I think this is going to last. The amount of respect each has for the other is tremendous. There are no secrets and they are each other's best friend. They talk. They laugh and when they disagree, they listen. These are the things you're supposed to do. Larry is a fantastic person and I like his parents, too. It's easy to see from where his core values come.

So, I bought a dress; spent the most I have ever spent on any article of clothing. It's going to be a wonderful event. Episode 1: A New Beginning, engagement and wedding prep, has started.

Episode 2: For the Rest of Our Lives begins in March.

Beverage:  Dr Pepper

Deb

The End Is Near

Half-way through the year and this is the stack of magazines on the ottoman.

This is it. I've been reading them religiously in an effort to finish off the stack. I'm probably reading a magazine and a half a week.

Three years ago, this was the stack.

It represented several years of "I'll get around to it" and slapping the magazine on the top of the pile. I remember knocking this pile over several times. I thought, "I should just pitch these", but I never could. I reorganized the stack and grouped same titles together, mostly. An errant magazine often pops up on top of the stack. Hmmmmm. I thought I read all the Best Friends. Guess not.

I'm reading magazines from 2010. Earlier this month, I read about Best Friends' efforts to save the dogs used by Michael Vick in his dog fighting enterprise. Most of those dogs found forever homes thanks to Best Friends. A couple have passed over the Rainbow Bridge, but they found out that there are humans who will love them and not force them to fight. It was interesting to read about the initial efforts made on behalf of these dogs because I've known for awhile about the success Best Friends had in rehabilitating the ones brought to the shelter.

The magazines about Scotland are also quite interesting. Most of the main articles are relevant whether I'm reading a magazine from 2013 or 2010. The only difference is in the "current events" columns. "The museum is undergoing a complete renovation and is slated to reopen in 2012." Um...well, I hope they reopened. Sometimes, I go to the URL and find out that, yes, indeed, they did open or a fund raiser was successful or a construction project came in on time and doubled the size of the space. I figure the longer I have the magazine, the more they will revisit something I remember reading. That's happened a couple of times now, with reference to a previous article. In one case, I had just read that particular magazine a few months earlier. No, they aren't in chronological order. That would be too OCD. I'd rather just skip from month to year in a hodge-podge fashion.

So, seeing the stack so close to being gone means I often come home, plop down in the recliner, get Pilchard in my lap and just read for a couple of hours. It feels like a great accomplishment to be this close to having nothing in that spot. What will I put there when the stack is gone? Well, I'm looking toward the day when whatever magazine arrives will go there if I can't read it right away. I get Best Friends, Cooking Light and Scottish Life. I also get a quarterly cross-stitch magazine but I read that right away. (Don't look at me like that. Yes, I have boxes of cross-stitch magazines, but I like seeing new projects.) There won't be a magazine lying there for years waiting to be read. Probably my current book or cross-stitch project will go in that empty space.

You know what else would fit? A cat. I'm sure, once the space opens up, it won't take long for someone to find it. I believe that's a law of cat dynamics. "An empty space must be occupied at least once."

I'm proud of myself. Yeah, it took 3 years to get to this point, but, truthfully, it took just as long to create the pile. The end is near. I'm looking forward to it.

Beverage:  Dr Pepper

Deb