I've been wrestling with this for some time. It's a feeling, just a general feeling, but it has colored a lot of what I do.
I feel "meh". That currently cultural definition of "the blues" or "blah" seems to convey exactly what I'm feeling.
I've gone from the frantic "How will I survive?" of winter and spring to a "yeah, well, that's how it is" of summer and beyond. The new checking and savings accounts are up and running. I've used the online bill pay system and it's nice and I probably could see using that in the future. My expense check is not getting direct deposited into the new account and that's supposed to be resolved this week. Once everything is going to the new accounts, I can close out the 5th 3rd accounts, walk out the door and shake the dust from my feet. They actually worked with me to form a payment plan on my remaining credit so it doesn't impact my ability to eat. In fact, all but one company has been very good about the situation.
Bank of America refuses to put me in any kind of payment plan unless and until I give them a complete financial history with account numbers. I have to give them a list of everything I spend my money on during a month so they can "assess" which of their programs is right for me. Nope. We go 'round and 'round every week on this. I don't believe they need all that personal information and I have absolutely no guarantees it won't be accessed improperly or used against me. "You have my word, ma'am," is not enough. And they won't put anything in writing for me to look at what they have to offer. They will make the decision and enroll me. I realize these people are doing their job and parroting what they are being told to say, but am I alone in thinking this has red flags and warning buzzers all over it? BoA received millions, maybe billions, in government bailout money. I don't trust them as far as I can throw them.
So, they call and I tell them what I can do and they tell me that's not enough and I shrug and say, "Well, that's what I got" and they tell me the calls will continue until I pay some outrageous sum and I tell them that I will pay them once a month and it will be x and if I had more, I'd pay more. 5th 3rd finally came around and sent me information on their payment plans so I could assess what was good for me. BoA may never but I'm doing the best I can. I know that and I'm comfortable with what I have done.
I'm not blah about that. It is what it is and I can't change it. I had another article purchased yesterday so there's another $10 coming soon. I have 2 more to write. I'm working on the end of that guild novel, but I have hit a dry patch in words. I don't like forcing the words to come because they are never, ever as good as the words that just flow. So, I've set that aside for now. I need to get from the end of Chapter 14 to where I am now and I think that's at least 4 or 5 more chapters.
I'm seeing a lot of friends and family get engaged and start planning weddings. I listen to the excited tales of searching for reception halls and dresses and caterers and photographers. I'm happy for them and I wish their impending marriage is one for life.
I have several married friends going through rough patches right now due to job loss. I listen to the tales of frustration at the spouse and at life. I see my job getting busier; I have overtime in the next couple of days to get work done; and I hope my company's upturn in business translates into jobs for my friends. I listen. I ask questions. I make suggestions if it seems a suggestion on a different POV or something else to do instead of yell at one another is in order. I can't help thinking, "I know it's tough and I know there are days you just want them to hop into their car and drive away and never come back, but you have someone you love and you need to remember that." I come home to two cats and a stack of dishes or laundry and the absence of another human in my home.
It's not that.
And I don't want pity nor do I want people not to share things with me. I just feel blah. It's not the pothole that I talked of earlier in the month. This feels like this photo to the left. I'm driving along Interstate 80 in the early part of the salt flats. It's miles and miles of same.
I try to be open to whatever life sends my way. I want to "be in the moment", to use a trite aphorism. It's hard, some days, to force myself to do things I know I have to do. I don't want to balance my checkbook. I don't want to clean the tub. I don't want to wash the rugs. I sleep, a lot, it seems. Even the game is not as exciting as it was. I still like to play it, but everything is "meh" and I find myself getting irritated with things I shouldn't be irritated at.
I know that lifting myself out of the "mehs" is my responsibility. I cannot rely on anyone else to do that work. I need to figure out what I can do to raise my spirits and change it from "meh" to "yeah". So that's why posts have not been regular. I feel "meh" and, although I'm trying to do something about it, it's a struggle.
Beverage: Chocolate Hazelnut tea