The Anti-Resolutions

It's that time of our lives when, as one year leaves, we look back, take stock and think about the good, the bad and the really ugly. We are assaulted with lists of what was "trending", what "needs to die", what to look for in the upcoming year, what to ignore, you name it, there's probably a list for it. We're also assaulted by articles explaining resolutions, how to make realistic ones and how to keep them. Every psychologist willing to talk to a reporter has a way to keep your resolutions. But, let's face it, even the best intended ones can be rough to integrate into life. 

As I look back over a life of failed resolutions, I decided to approach the process differently. I'm calling these my anti-resolutions or the things I will not do in 2014.

I will not learn Esperanto. I'm going to have to think of other ways to communicate with people than trying to learn a manufactured language. 

I will not learn to make haggis. It may represent a part of my heritage, but the ingredients are very hard to find. This is going to force me to cook other things for myself. 

I will not follow the Cardassians, mainly because they don't exist. No, I didn't misspell that. Google it. You'll see. I will not waste time trying to keep up with these fake celebrities. The really important people, the real rock stars, the real cinematic superstars are my friends. I will not contribute to the "cult" of celebrity. I will not buy into popularity. You'll need to pardon my cluelessness when I ask, "Justin who?"

I will not allow poisonous people to leech their relationship rot into my life. I've made excuses for a long time. I will no longer continue to make excuses. They are what they are and they are welcome to it. I will not be caught up in them. 

I will not obsess about my weight, nor will I  neglect my health. I will not miss a meal under a misguided notion that skipping cuts calories. I will not stock the cupboard with chips, crackers and cookies because I'm too tired to cook, but neither will I not buy them. 

I will not ignore the signs of depression and I will give myself latitude to cry, scream or curl up in a ball and sleep. But I will not use depression as a weapon against others. I know what that looks like. 

I will not obsess about the "I shoulds" and then beat up my self-esteem because I "should" have done x and I did y. I will not fail to realize that I am human and, as such, am prone to doing stupid things and making stupid decisions. 

I will not pretend to be an astrophysicist, a bunion surgeon or a Pullet-surprise winner, but neither will I neglect my intelligence. Learning is important to me and I've felt my gray matter declining because I don't tempt it with new ideas. So, in the interest of feeding my brain, I'll not be posting as many Facebook updates as I did in 2013. I will not pretend that social media is the way for me to stay connected. 

I will not neglect the little things that bring me happiness and joy. Toward that end, I may be less here and more out there because out there is where reality lies. 

Lastly, I will not have no hot cocoa in the cupboard. If you will excuse me now, I need to find a source of good instant hot cocoa. It's the little things that bring us joy, you know. 

Beverage:  Sparkling grape juice

Deb

Stickers and Friends

I have to admit to feeling very low after the whole "sticker-gate" of the early month. It bothered me, but perhaps these people had a point. Maybe most folks didn't want a sticker festooned envelope in their mailbox. Maybe most folks were embarrassed by that or by the thought that their mail person considered the sender more than a little weird. So, I just stopped. I set all the stickers aside and unless someone said they wanted stickers, I didn't put any on anything, no envelopes, no packages, no boxes. It felt weird taking all of this unadorned mail to the post office, but, as much as I felt sad, I knew I would get over it. Then the comments started coming.

I am exceedingly grateful for the positive comments on the post. Positioning stickers on envelopes and parcels has become part of who I am and I'm grateful that many of you recognized it. I'm nothing if not adaptable but I'm feeling much better about this with all the kind words about not having to adapt.

My friend, Meredith drove this point home by sending me a late birthday present. Arriving within 3 days of the column, was a small padded envelope covered in stickers.

It made me laugh. I had just opened Amber's "create a garden gnome" gift so I instantly thought, "Oh boy! She sent Smurf seeds!" I opened the package and here are the contents.

Stickers. Lots and lots of glorious stickers! Oh and a Dunkin' Donuts gift certificate which I have used 3 times already. Their holiday star donut is really good. It's gooey and vanilla creme filled and covered with star sprinkles on green icing. The red velvet donut is just 'meh'. It seems like red velvet is the Christmas equivalent of October's pumpkin flavor. I'll pass on the red velvet candies. It's almost time for the chocolate cherry M&Ms that are out for Valentine's Day. Must stock up on those.

Anyway, I digress. So Meredith is tangibly encouraging me to set aside the comments of a few detractors and cover my cards and letters with stickers, just as I have always done. I looked through the sheets of stickers I've accumulated and it felt so wrong to just chuck them into the recycling bin. A comment from Nancy reminded me that I have earned the right to have some eccentricities in life and if the stickers gummed up the postal sorting machine, I'd have heard about it a long time ago. My friend Pam, reminded me that those telling me it was unbecoming really don't know me very well. So many of you felt a sadness when the Christmas card or box arrived and there was nary a sticker in sight. "I didn't know it was from you until I opened it."

So, the stickers will be back with the Christmas 'thank yous'. I giggled. I laughed. I had great, great fun looking through all the pages of all these books of stickers Meredith sent. It sounds extremely egotistical to say, "This is what I enjoy. It doesn't affect your life. Deal with it. You can always just chuck my envelope into the trash." That sounds kind of harsh.

For the record, one of the detractors was freed of ever having contact with me again. The other two, well, I just don't know. I'm thinking, gradually, our exchanges will become few and far between and the friendships will have run their course. It happens. I'm going to resume this little thing that gives me so much joy. Isn't that what life is about, really? Finding joy in small things, like stickers on envelopes.

Beverage:  Water

Deb

I Wuvs You

After clearing everything off the deck on Sunday which was after running a bunch of errands, you can imagine that I was rather wiped out. So, I sank into the recliner, put on some Sunday afternoon movie that looked mildly interesting, picked up my current scarf project and proceeded to crochet. Pilchard settled onto the settee across the way and Mija jumped up into the recliner next to me and settled down.

Cats have this innate ability to go from wide awake to sleep in minutes, whereas I have to toss and turn before sleep comes. I can't remember what I was watching but I had been ear scratching so my arm was at my side. I felt something and looked to my right.

This is love. I'm convinced that's a smile on her face.

She's so incredibly happy. I was achy at this point. I knew I'd done a bit too much, but aches and pains go away when you are loved like this. I reclined just a bit in the chair and the next thing I knew, it was 5 p.m. I am so very blessed to share my life with these two.

Beverage:  Berry-flavored seltzer

Deb

Birthday Goodness

I turned 39...again, yesterday. My birthdays have, for some time now, been solitary affairs; me and the cats, maybe the office, a few cards, but rather quiet and almost just another day. Yes, I'll admit there was some resentment, over the years, that people didn't seem to acknowledge my birthday, but I have grown out of that. How egotistical can you be to demand that people recognize this date? It's like the price of your friendship is how much stuff they bestow on you for an arbitrary date on the calendar. I'm rather embarrassed, when I think back to some of those kinds of comments that passed my lips.

This being my 'year of gratitude', all I really wanted from anyone was the acknowledgement that we are still friends and will continue to be friends for the next year. It's kind of like a contract, renewable once a year. It's time for review. Has it been a good year? Yes? Well, then, let's renew it for another year.

I have made some friends via this game that I play who believe I deserve more than just a virtual handshake and an agreement that we'll be friends for another year. "I need a birthday/Christmas list from you," was the cry. My protestations that I didn't need anything from them fell on, essentially, deaf ears. Then, after a conversation with one of them, I realized that they want to send stuff because we're friends, not out of any duty or an attempt to buy friendship. Friends buy things for each other because they are, well, friends. They see something and think, "Deb would love this!" As much as I say, "You don't have to get me anything. You friendship is more than 'enough'", for them, and for me, too because I think the same thing, a token or tokens of that friendship is the natural expression.

The big box came on Friday along with a box from Carole. When Charly said he'd picked up "a few" things, I had visions of, at most, a handful of items. I could put both cats in this box. That design on the box is colored duct tape and Charly said he used three (!) rolls to cover it. I couldn't get into it with a pair of scissors so I resorted to a steak knife. Inside were packages wrapped in green bubble wrap and red tissue paper. Packages and packages and packages.

My first reaction was the old chestnut, "I don't deserve all of this." I think it's wise to have that feeling. If you felt that you did deserve 'all' of this, it's not a far jump to thinking you deserve 'all' of something else and then what reigns in your ego? "Oh lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way," goes the silly song. But, perhaps, on this day, I can allow myself to step into the "I am deserving" area just once.

Charly insisted I open something; he wanted me to open everything but I refused as it wasn't my birthday. So I opened two packages and then, after the tree was up, removed everything from the box. The contents were many and the girls even got a couple of things. I...I really don't deserve all of this. It must have cost a small fortune. I can't reciprocate for this kindness. All these things, and more, ran through my head.

Hold the phone here and let's take a few steps back. For once, this is about me, in a very legitimate way. Charly wanted to do this. He had enormous fun going out and finding all these things, wrapping them and then trying to find a box of the proper size. I think he also took perverse pleasure in wrapping that box with duct tape.

One of my best friends, Patt, also sent a few things. She got to go to Paris in the summer. She brought back a bookmark, magnets, a small note pad and real Swiss chocolate. I don't know what the words are on the box. I think they are German. Carole sent Ghirardelli instant hot cocoa and the best socks. As I have had to get rid of several pair as not being fixable anymore, socks without holes were extremely welcome. Plus, they are loud.

Those are bears, but it doesn't take much to look at them and think they are Pilchards.

And there is still a box coming from Meredith. AAAAHHHH! I don't.....

It is a measure of one's life that people do things for you. In my year of gratitude, I have come to see that the grousing and complaining I did, mainly to myself, was affecting how I looked at life. It's easy to get down. Cripes, I find myself struggling with it now as my knees really, really hurt and getting around is an exercise in pain endurance. Dang, this rheumatoid arthritis sucks. Oh woe is me.

In looking at things from the point of view of gratitude, warm socks are a godsend. Oh look! More stickers, just in time for the Christmas cards. I have wonderful scented bath gels and lotion. The Sensual Amber fragrance is something I have smelled before, somewhere, a long time ago. I know that scent. It's a scent of warmth and comfort but I cannot remember where I would know it. I do know it's something from childhood. I've got a book to read and a bookmark to keep my place while I sip luxury hot cocoa. Any one of these things would have been enough. The fact that I received all of them fills my heart with joy. I realized last night, that it's been awhile since I had joy, the giggly kind.

So, to quote Joanne Woodward in The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds (Really good indie movie.), "My heart is full." It was a very good birthday.

Beverage:  Edinburgh's Finest tea

Deb