It's Not Really a Cure

I've mentioned how, on occasion, I endure some minor bouts of depression. I'm not as bad as some people I know who really have that hard mistress, as I like to think of her, living with them. I struggle with it, but can usually find something, after a few days, to lift my spirits. It's been rough for me, for about a week now.

It's hard to say what triggers the arrival of the mistress. I think this time it was all the walking that I've had to do to complete an inspection job. I'm not done with it either and there's at least a half-day's worth of walking yet to do before I'm done.

I still don't have a clue on my bodily limits as I deal with RA. Some days, I don't do as much as I could and then feel badly because things aren't done at the end of a day. The next day, I feel exactly the same and I am completely spent from doing half as much as I did the day before. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to my endurance or lack thereof. I did great on Sunday. I moved slowly and I recognized that by the time I got to the sub shop to pick up lunch, that was going to be it. I don't feel nearly as achy in the body today, but walking down the hall to my boss's office is tiring me out. This is depressing.

Part of depression is the levels of serotonin in your brain. As I looked back over the last 10 days, I felt, yesterday, that perhaps my serotonin levels weren't high. Hence, in addition to just feeling crummy because my joints ache, I might be having a chemical issue. Well, what raises serotonin? Chocolate. There's my temporary answer.

I realized I haven't had chocolate anything in over 10 days. I think I do best when I have something chocolate at least every other day. So, on the way home, I stopped at Walgreens and picked up the assortment you see here. This is not a cure. If you know anything about depression, it's really not something that gets "cured" as you would cure a cold. You learn what triggers your depression and you learn the ways you can get out of it or, at the very least, manage it. Sometimes, that includes medication and/or therapy. I've done the therapy but never the medication, unless you want to consider chocolate my medication.

I dived into the Oreos when I got home. That was all I ate for supper last night. I had Oreos and milk, Oreos and cranberry grape juice and Oreos and tea. There was a brief moment where the nutrition fairy alighted on my shoulder and said, "Um...you gonna eat the whole bag? You know that's not good for you." Nutritionally, no. Eating half a bag of Oreos cannot, in any way, shape or form, be considered a "good dietary choice". But I'm not looking at my diet. I'm looking at my mood. If a $3.00 bag of Oreos gets my mood back where it should be, then that's what I'm going to do.

I could be deluding myself, but I did feel better about 9 p.m. last night. Yes, I ate half the bag. The M&Ms are untouched but are there for the rest of the week. A couple handfuls of them per day and I'll be on an even keel in no time. Things won't seem so oppressive even when I move slower than molasses, uphill, in January. Hmmmmm, molasses. I read where that's a help for RA. I like molasses. I think some tests are in order.

Beverage:  Dunkin' Donuts tea

Deb

Pity Party. Attending? One.

I've been in a funk all weekend. There was a wedding this weekend. I was kind of surprised when I was told, back in November, it was coming. Carole and David got a free trip to Las Vegas to be witnesses at the wedding. I'm sure there will be stories as well as copious amounts of photos.

I do wish the bride and groom well. I'm given to understand it's been more than a little interesting to have finally arrived at a Vegas wedding. If you've divorced and reached a point with someone of "do we or don't we", you certainly don't want to go through the divorce process again. So, I hope this wedding is what they want.

Yet, the whole idea sent me into something of a funk. I thought I'd get remarried first. I really did. I did all this emotional therapy to get to a place where I know who I am and what I want out of life. I've been reminded, on more than a few occasions, that nothing on the other side has changed significantly and I am so much better off living as a single. Plus, I am an introvert, as I've mentioned before, and I value, prize and demand alone time. It's me and two cats, which I've grown to accept, sort of.

But how I wouldn't love to share my space with another human, preferably a guy. How I would love to come home and have him cook supper, do wash, bring in the mail, shovel the snow, call the plumber. I have felt as if the last 10+ years have been an exercise in always being "on", wondering when the next problem will happen and having to face it alone. The dating service was an abject failure. I still think that, at some point, they decided that they wouldn't be able to match even half of what I'd like so they just sent all the guys who hadn't dated ever my direction, because I'd have something nice to say in addition to the "What were you smoking when you matched us?" comments.

So, at a time like this, I sit in my quiet living room and wish there was someone whose dirty socks were left on the bedroom floor. I sit feeling sorry for myself. Why me? I come to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, that guys my age aren't looking for independent women my age. They either want someone to take care of them (shudder) or they want an air-head who will be arm-candy (double shudder). And let's not even discuss the side of my ego that is critiquing my appearance. "Gray hair? Hello? Here's $10. Go get a box of dye."

I took Friday off. It was a smart move. Mike, in the office, is expecting his first child any day now and he will be gone for 2 weeks when that happens. I had one day held over from last year and it was quiet so now is the perfect time to use that up. I went grocery shopping and have spent the weekend cleaning. I've emptied the paper recycling bin twice. I paid all my bills and it's just "me" time although a big black cat has demanded my lap. She knows I just need to know that someone, even if they have four legs and a tail, cares.

The party ends when I get up tomorrow. There is no more pitying myself for what I don't have. Time to move on. Tonight, it will be hot cocoa with a shot of Goldschlager. Tomorrow, it's Cheerios with bananas and the start of a new week.

Beverage:  hot cocoa

Deb

Cheer for a gloomy day.

I would like warm weather. Seriously. The sheer amount of rain and chilly temperatures make one gloomy. I tend to overeat or not eat well when it's like this. When the water seeps into the basement, it gets depressing and with the cool temperatures, it's taking longer for the floor to dry off.

I've had this tradition for the last 8 or so years of wearing Hawaiian shirts for the week beginning with the first day of spring. Most of the time I have to wear a turtleneck under them or a sweater over them, but there have been a handful of days where I can wear just the shirt. Wearing loud and flowery is a mood brightener. I also like to think of them as talismans, that good luck will come with loud and bright. It hasn't always worked but, like anything else, it's about mood and point of view.

In this gloomy May weather, I have resorted to the Hawaiian shirts again. I made this shirt over 15 years ago. It's held up quite well. That's a heavy duty cotton fabric. It was for my ex-husband but he didn't wear it very much. He didn't share my like of loud and brassy.

This shirt is a guy's shirt. A college friend who was a Navy nurse got this in Hawaii for me at the PX there. So this is my only real "Hawaiian" shirt. I've had it for 9 years, I think. The only problem I have with it is that the buttons don't stay buttoned. The top and the bottom ones do, but the 2 in the middle have a tendency to come unbuttoned. It's not due to strain. The shirt is, in fact, the perfect size. They just don't stay buttoned. I wear it when I'm not going any place other than the office. "Free shows" are for Madonna, not me.

These shirts are from the men's department at JC Penney. One of my complaints about women's shirts is that their current crop of what they call "Hawaiian" shirts are simply not distinctive. These are muted with the one on the left having a sage green background. These are great for attending meetings. I can express myself via dress without having the boss roll his eyes. I don't want to wear the company polo shirts all the time. They are nice, to be sure, but boring. A pressed muted tone Hawaiian shirt is just as nice and so comfortable.

JC Penney used to have women's Hawaiian shirts that fit my definition of "loud" or "bold". I've had this one for, I think, 20 years. The fabric is more silky. I have to iron this shirt, even if it's dried in a dryer. Most women's Hawaiian shirts tend to be like this. They favor these kinds of flowers but not in bold colors. And they have what are called "cap sleeves". Oh please. My arms are not the firmest anymore. Cap sleeves just emphasize that fact. Women's shirts tend to be tapered through the waist. There's nothing "tapered" about me. So, I gravitate to the men's department where I can get bold, brassy, loud shirts that fit right.

These last two I have had since the late 1990's. I got them both in Target's men's department. They are also of a silkier material and I have to iron them before wearing although if I have the foresight to hang them in the bathroom for a couple days before wearing, the steam from my showers will relax the wrinkles some. The white one has a button problem too, but not to the extent the one at the top does.

I have 12 Hawaiian shirts, total. I went through them this spring and got rid of a couple that simply didn't look good on me anymore. I must confess that walking through a department store and seeing the bright colors will draw me over to the rack. My friends remind me of my vow, "If I bring clothes into the closet, I have to get rid of others to make room." I probably should get rid of some anyway, but that anguish is not something I want to do now. So, no new clothes. Plus, it's easy to walk away when you don't have ready cash to spend. Now if they were to give the shirts away...

So, here's to hoping Hawaiian shirts will brighten the day. The weather, according to the Weather Channel, is to be HOT on Sunday, near or above 90. I just want to be able to turn off the heat. I'm remembering last year and having to turn it on in August just to take the damp out of the house. Could we not have a repeat of that?

Beverage: China Black Tea

Deb

Time to Get Out the Iron

Tomorrow is the first day of spring. It became something of a ritual when I started working again that I would mark the occasion by wearing a Hawaiian-style shirt every day for a week. At the time, I think I had maybe 5 shirts but that would be sufficient for a "week" of work days.

I like loud and bright. I mentioned in a post about fixing my socks that if the socks aren't what would be considered loud, I don't buy them. An exception has been made for socks my daughter has given me from Penneys. She gets great deals on Gold Toe socks and they are very sturdy so I happily wear them. Several Christmases ago, my sister gave me these wonderful teal-colored socks made from hemp. They, too, are sturdy and, even after what has to approach 100 washings, they are as soft as when I got them. Teal is a great color, too, not loud but it does go with most anything.

This is, however, not a post about socks. It's a post about shirts.

Back on Wednesday, I was standing in front of the row of short sleeved shirts hanging in my closet. Tomorrow, I will select 7 of my Hawaiian shirts to be ironed for wearing this next week. The bright colors are a mood lifter particularly as the weather is going to be back to normal and not the 60+ temperatures we've had all this week.

But I was looking at my collection of shirts. I need more bright colors. I could use more stripes or prints. I could use more bright blues. Red and green and black are covered. I look terrible in orange and purple, with the exception of the deep royal purple is not a color I like. I was wishing I could give away some of these shirts and replace them with brighter colors. That would involve shopping which I simply cannot do right now. It would be fun because the bright colors I'm looking for are out now, but I won't put myself further in debt to brighten my wardrobe.

I think this is all part of my inner desire to improve my attitude. I love color and a freshening of the wardrobe would improve my spirits. I will enjoy wearing my shirts next week, even if I have to toss it over a turtleneck.

Beverage: Chocolate Hazelnut tea

Deb